Where is it an Eating Disorder ends and ones self begins?

At clinic, the mantra was ‘Every Food has it’s Place’; this was something I fought and argued with at first, and when I say at first, I mean for months….  Eventually it was something I came to understand and appreciate, I supported the notion in recovery, we need to challenge many types of foods in a safe environment, so when we are faced with them on our own, it will be less frightening.  But now that I am no longer in clinic, in those initial stages of recovery and the safe environment, this is not something that meets my lifestyle, my needs, my personality, my goals, or is it?

As someone with an ED, I can never tell where The Disorder ends and my true self begins?  I do know that my true self feels better with less sugar, feels healthier; I also know my true self loves ice cream.  So this one is a no brainer, occasionally I think ice cream is great, I know if something in my head says, ‘No, you can’t have ice cream!’, when everyone else is enjoying a frosty treat, that’s The Disorder, so I push through and have what I truly want.

The clinicians say I need to continue to challenge Fear Foods, but honestly, I’ve gone over 20 years without needing to eat a serving of deep fried French Fries, why do I need to now?  I don’t think I want to?  But I don’t know, is that me or is that The Disorder?  I know how unhealthy deep fried foods are, I’ve read plenty of research on the matter, but I also get extremely anxious at the mention or thought of eating French Fries; even now, just writing about it, my insides are tightening, it makes me completely uncomfortable!  Maybe that means those 2 parts are at war over why I shouldn’t eat them, maybe that’s all The Disorder and my real self would just say, ‘French Fries are delicious, lets give it a go!’  I suppose no matter what, it means I still have a long way to go, in becoming comfortable with food and decisions surrounding it!

I haven’t written a post in about 2 weeks, the reason behind this being, I’ve left clinic completely and returned to my full time job.  It has been a struggle to keep moving forward with my head above water, I started many entries, but couldn’t complete the thought, the perfectionist in me, The Disorder, couldn’t have me posting something that wasn’t finished, which made me look even weaker and more confused than before.  So I abandoned half a dozen different entries, seemingly I’ve abandoned the blog and something I’m becoming passionate about, all for the fear of showing I’m struggling, more bewildered than I’ve already demonstrated.

As I’m writing, I realize, that’s the power of The Disorder…  This is a Recovery Blog, it’s baked right into the name; not only have I made a commitment to share my knowledge of what works and my progress, but I’ve also made the commitment to share when things are shitty and hard, when I don’t understand, what I’m actually feeling and not just an exterior of someone who is breezing through this recovery process.  No one breezes through an ED recovery, said to take on average 7-8 years, to me it sounds like less of a breeze and more of a storm.

Going forward, I will do better, I will be more committed to writing about and sharing my true recovery, no matter how ugly or sloppy I think it is.  There’s always room for improvement and right now, I think I’ve found mine!