It feels like ages, since I’ve actually written anything substantial, I mean I’ve written, I’ve tried, but I haven’t finished a thought. I actually have some ideas I think are pretty great, things I would love to share (I’ve started writing about relapsing multiple times), but I’ve been struggling and find it almost impossible to complete anything, when I’m fighting to stay afloat.
I’ve previously posted about this being a recovery blog, how I am coming to terms with the fact that every post can’t be earth shattering, perfect, a master piece; to be honest, the perfectionist in me, is still having trouble swallowing this! I still don’t believe I should be able to post things, when I am not well, should not be able to advise or give my opinion, when I am hardly holding my head above water. I want to be well, I want to be recovered, the fact that I have put in so much work, taken a year off of work, removed people from my life, changed things, major things about myself and in my life, and I’m still a mess, it pisses me off, it’s discouraging! Granted I have good days, more good days than I used to, more hope and clarity, I feel like there is a light; but when things start to spiral down, they move in an awful hurry and I struggle to keep any sort of composure.
I talked to my therapist, told her everything that has been going on, being sick, anxious, allowing certain people who are toxic,
back into my life, being more reckless; she said it comes back to self care and she didn’t think I was practicing it or pursuing the things that make me happy or are important to me (for instance, this blog). Which made me take a step back, I started to allow myself to look at what was happening….
A couple months ago, I became ill and ended up missing work, I felt guilty because I used to be a terrible employee and know my managers assume I’m not sick, just taking time off because I’m slack and irresponsible, I eventually had a slip up, I relapse, which created a sense of complete shame. Instead of talking about it or seeking help, I closed myself off, started building up walls; I began associating with someone from my past, who for me is toxic, judgemental, demanding of information, only to hold & use it against me, pushy and selfish, this made me pull even further away from my real friends. I started having a drink or two (or three) each night, just enough to cut the edge and numb my feelings of shame and disappointment, but not give me a hangover (if there’s no hangover, it means there’s no problem, right?!?). I was able to go back to work, only there a few days and my son became very ill, so I was off again, worried my job was in jeopardy.
Then my cat unexpectedly passed away, which was heart breaking. He had been my faithful, ever loving companion for almost 15 years; whenever I needed a hug, before the tears began, he was there, now I needed a hug more than ever and he was gone. I found myself in a very low, depressed state, so I tried to turned to Mr Toxic for support and he told me he needed space…
Easily, from this position, I could have fallen in to a pit of despair, but it was just the kick I needed, to realize where I was plunging, head first, right back to a year ago, before I began recovery.
Since that day, I have been making efforts to get back on track, I’ve contacted some of my friends, who I haven’t been very good at staying in touch with, apologized for my absence, and in the fashion of any true friend, they have all been understanding. I have made a plan for self care, not just for myself, but for my son as well. We have began building a bullet journal (I’ve already written my name on the inside cover), to help keep us on track, and a worry journal, just to get the ugly shit out. I’m going to find the things I love and grab on, the things I don’t, figure out how to change or discard them.
I don’t want to have an Eating Disorder! I know it’s a hard road, I know it’s hard to look for help, to admit, hard to watch, sometimes it’s even hard to want to get rid of; but when we have support, when we can talk, when we have things worth fighting for, we can get through it, as a team and that’s what this is all about. For us all to move forward and get well together!