I am an Addict

I am an addict, I have known this for a very long time.  As a child I was frequently warned by family members that I have addictive tendencies, it’s hereditary and runs in the family, that I need to be careful.  But I didn’t know to what extent, how deeply in my soul my addictive nature ran; even now, with a renewed sense of awareness, I doubt I have an understanding of what I’m facing or up against!

I have a personality which wants to please, to be liked, recognized and approved of; on the same note, a personality which does not feel worth success, love, accomplishment.  The first is natural, the second learned, both exploited by family, friends lovers, to the point of constant inner turmoil.

Over the years I have abused many things, I say abused, because to say you have been addicted to gum would just sound absurd.  Abused is the proper term, because over the years, I have turned to many different items, thinking they were helping to comfort me, when in actual fact, they were either helping me to shut out all the feelings I have or the flip side helping me feel something, anything at all.  Have I mentioned that I’m a tad fucked up, well right there folks, walking contradiction!

The most successful numbing agent for feelings, of course, was my ‘good girls cocaine’, The Eating Disorder; nothing shuts feelings or emotions up better.  That being said, having no feelings gets pretty tiring, so I would look for things to help me feel something, but as someone who is worthless, usually the things I would use to help, were less than virtuous.  Putting myself in high risk situations, dating and/or falling in love with men who are manipulative and emotionally going to beat the shit out of me, shoplifting, driving dangerously, excessive drinking, friends who were catty and mean.

Now that I’m starting to feel like I’m making head way in recovery, severing myself more and more from the disorder, I’ve started allowing things into my life which are healthy.  I’ve made some amazing friends, whom it feels like I’ve known for years and reconnected with old friends, who I had previously pushed away.  I’ve removed many toxic things from my life, some taking more effort and determination than others, which feels wonderful.

In all this new found serenity, finding new and old friends, removing toxicity, minimizing my life, the addict inside is still craving chaos and turmoil.  Subtly reaching out to find and add drama back into my life, trip up all the good, by inviting in new bad.  I suppose this is what it is, to be an aware addict, to have eyes open, to a disorder which has a mind of its own.  I will however, not stop fighting, I have worked to damn hard to get where I am and my son deserves a mother who is here, in the now, a mother who is alive.  I am a fighter!