It’s strange, wanting to do the the right thing for myself, for my physical and emotional well being. There have been plenty of times in the past, where I’ve wanted to do the right thing or make the right choice, but it hasn’t been for myself, it’s been for someone else, it’s been forced. Since finding myself in a position of ‘recovery’ or ‘recovering’, I feel very good, satisfied, with a need to do things for myself, so I feel better; good about me, healthy and strong, not just physically, but mentally as well.
I’ve gone so long, practically my entire adult life, just going through the motions, doing what’s supposed to happen or what’s expected, not actually having any feelings surrounding the action, not really caring what it does or how it effects me, just doing it. I’ve been on medication for my thyroid, approx. 6 years, I’ve hardly ever taken it properly, because honestly, I didn’t care. I mean, I didn’t want to feel like shit, so I took it, but I didn’t care enough to want to feel great, so didn’t take it the way I was supposed to.
It’s the same with sleep, I know my body needs a certain amount of sleep, to actually feel good, but I never gave myself the thing which I required. I would stay up late, watching shows on Netflix, surfing the internet, binging and purging, doing non-productive activities, not caring about how shitty I was going to feel the next day; this was just another way, I was able to punish myself. I still have a long way to go, correcting my sleep hygiene, but I’m on my way; I can turn off Netflix or the computer, and many nights, I just read a book (I will return to sleep hygiene in an upcoming post, as I feel sleep is so important, when it comes to combating any disorder!)
Ditto with dating, I’ve never had any interest in ‘nice’ men, men who would treat me with loving kindness, consider my feelings, respect me or put me first; and heaven forbid I realized I had gotten involved with someone who was a ‘nice’ man, I found a million and one reasons why I wasn’t attracted to him, can’t dance, weird walk, small hands, too tall, all crazy reasons, which quite possibly, were made up! (Is anyone else picturing George Costanza?) The men I did allow in, who I tried to make a life with, were all Narcissistic! That being said, they each had some great moments and a few redeeming qualities, but not enough to counter. Nothing was ever their fault, they always blamed me or the disorder, in a cutting way. They were mean, used lots of guilt tactics, making me feel small and terrible about myself, often calling names or making hateful references, generally saying they were just kidding, I suppose to make it okay? It seemed as if, I was always being torn down.
I never felt worth being taken care of, emotionally or physically; I didn’t do it for myself and I certainly didn’t allow others to do it! I have been punishing myself, since I was a child; taking the blame, always feeling guilty, not taking proper care of myself, never making the time to actually get to know who I am or why I’m hurting. The Disorder, she loved this, it meant I needed her, I would keep her close, to lean on and she didn’t have to worry about being replaced.
At this point, I know some of the things which have hurt me over the years, some of the things I have held on to, but I am still at a loss for so much. I can’t remember my childhood, I’m missing so many memories. Maybe that’s the ED, I’ve been running on nothing for so long, my body isn’t strong enough to recall events; or maybe something significant enough happened, that it’s easier to get rid of all the memories, than to have any of the painful ones? Hopefully, I will eventually get the answers, to some of these questions!
As for now, I am so happy to finally be moving forward! To finally be wanting to take care of myself, not for anyone else, just for me! It feels good, to want to be with someone who is kind and compassionate, who wants what is best, not just for themselves, but for me as well! I have gone so many years, having no feelings, towards so many things; it honestly feels incredible to care about myself, to want to take my medication properly, for me; to want to go to bed and get a good nights sleep, for me; to eat properly, without judging or binging, just for the delicious taste and stop at satisfied, for me.
I know I am worth it! Worth fighting for! Worth putting in the extra effort! Worth being assertive and standing up for my rights! Worth being Happy and Healthy! I am worth Love and Compassion! I am worth Recovery!!! We are all worth it!